Elaborate: "It’s not you, But it is."

Dear Sean,

I cannot stall this any longer, I have run off with your clone.
I’m sorry it had to come to this, he’s just attentive, he’s always there for me with an open ear. While you’re out at work, he also makes a better video game partner.

Sometimes he lets me win.

Just like you.

I couldn't take the laziness that has become you,

you’re always working, or playing video games with him.

It’s like you keep stealing him away from me,

and those terrible puns

“I’m beside myself!”

ugh.

Sometimes I wonder if you really did spend 12 billion JUST so you can say that 50 times a day.

He’s incredibly attractive, with that mess of strawberry blonde hair and those bright blue eyes.

and that beard puts yours to shame.

He keeps himself motivated to exercise, he’s even pushed me to run several times.

Not like you ever compliment on my metamorphosis like physique.

And the sex. Well, lets say my expectations have far succumbed to my satisfaction.

However, fear not.

I have left you with a few strands of my hair.

I know I never wanted to clone myself, as I am personally a naturalist at my core.

But I couldn't leave you in the cold cruel world by yourself. That's just unnatural.