The Humbling Nature Experience. Or, How John Muir Taught Me How Awful Nature Can Be.

View of Penacook Lake on the Marjory Swope Trail

I've been having these Epic John Muir-esque Fantasies. Dreams where I should be backpacking in Acadia National Park, The Long Trail, and The Presidential Mountain Range. In these fantasies, I am dislodged from my dull routine life and finding my bliss among the mountains and forests of New England, living among the elements for a few weeks and becoming connected with the oneness of our amazing planet. Enlighten myself to nature and have the wild, rooted parts of my soul engaged with the beauty of near solitude.

So - on my day off - I decided to go take a hike. Disconnect from the computer, my books, my material possessions and take a walk in the woods alone. Maybe it would lift my spirits a bit and get me out of the house on a beautiful summer day.

My first mistake was waking up to the downpour.
Oh I thought. Well, maybe it will just be a sprinkle. It should clear up by the time I start my short hike. I laced up my swanky, expensive, waterproof hiking boots, grabbed an umbrella, and headed off to the trailhead in my car. The rain didn't let up. That's okay! I won't melt, I have an umbrella! I started my way up the incredibly short, beautiful jaunt around the Marjory Swope Trail.

The second, bigger mistake was being unprepared.

Even though I have lived in New Hampshire most of my life, even though I knew how to read a map, even though I read books and heard plenty of news stories about how terribly awful the weather can get if you are unprepared for ANY trail. I still pushed all warnings to the back of my skull. I may be a novice hiker, but I still know how to hike, or so I thought.

I have an anxiety disorder, it makes me overthink a lot of scenarios and then those almost always snowball into irrational thoughts. An example would be: BRING PLENTY OF WATER IN CASE YOU GET LOST. OH, AND BRING A WHISTLE TOO IN CASE YOU FIND YOURSELF ATTACKED BY VAGABONDS. Kinda like that. It got so bad today that I chickened out 5 times before leaving my house this morning, purely because I was scared to go hiking alone. Anxiety Kelso said: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS TRAIL BY YOURSELF, THERE COULD BE ROVES OF MURDERERS CAMPING OUT THERE READY TO RAPE YOU. AND BESIDES, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TRAIL VERY WELL. But I decided to ignore my brain and just go for it. I would be in town, the trail looked more like a nature walk than an actual hike, and it was short enough that I would be back to my car in less than an hour. I didn't feel it was necessary to weigh myself down with a backpack full of things you would typically bring on a hike, medicine, bug spray, snacks, and - oh yeah - water. The only things I carried were my keys, my umbrella, and my cell phone.   You will be fine. I told Anxiety Kelso before heading out onto the trail. Quit being a baby. 

However, there is a fine line between irrational, anxiety thoughts and being safely cautious. Most of the time I am packing at least a water bottle and my epipen, even if I'm taking a short walk down to the store. But on this particular day, I wanted to be blissfully ignorant, I needed my John Muir Fantasy so badly that I was pushing back all thoughts, rational and irrational. I'm getting on that trail and I'm going to find some goddamn happiness. And I did, and I'm happy I went. I had fun going off by myself and letting go of all my everything. When I reached the vista with the breathtaking views of Peanacook Lake, I felt happy to be alive. I sat down in the dirt and meditated with my eyes closed (I had to force them shut since I still felt like someone was going to sneak up on me and stab me in the back) for a few minutes. Nothing but the rain, the view, and the ground. I felt wild, free, recharged, and wonderful.

Hemingway Diaries: Noun - Foot

Note: Hemingway Diaries is a new, condensed series I will be doing from time to time in which I write six worded (or less) stories in batches of 4 or more with only one writing prompt. Examples can be seen Here or Here. More about Hemingway can be found Here. I hope you enjoy. -K.
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Vagabond feet kindly rubbed. Found home.
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Two feet before. One foot after.
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My child: A Size 6 once.
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Calloused, Rotting. Welcome to the Congo.
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Red footprints at door. Not paint.
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One flesh, one plastic. Still dancing (for Adrianne)
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Elaborate: "It’s not you, But it is."

Dear Sean,

I cannot stall this any longer, I have run off with your clone.
I’m sorry it had to come to this, he’s just attentive, he’s always there for me with an open ear. While you’re out at work, he also makes a better video game partner.

Sometimes he lets me win.

Just like you.

I couldn't take the laziness that has become you,

you’re always working, or playing video games with him.

It’s like you keep stealing him away from me,

and those terrible puns

“I’m beside myself!”

ugh.

Sometimes I wonder if you really did spend 12 billion JUST so you can say that 50 times a day.

He’s incredibly attractive, with that mess of strawberry blonde hair and those bright blue eyes.

and that beard puts yours to shame.

He keeps himself motivated to exercise, he’s even pushed me to run several times.

Not like you ever compliment on my metamorphosis like physique.

And the sex. Well, lets say my expectations have far succumbed to my satisfaction.

However, fear not.

I have left you with a few strands of my hair.

I know I never wanted to clone myself, as I am personally a naturalist at my core.

But I couldn't leave you in the cold cruel world by yourself. That's just unnatural.

Hemingway Diaries: In 6 words, a Snapshot of a Relationship Between Two People.

Note: Hemingway Diaries is a new, condensed series I will be doing from time to time in which I write six worded (or less) stories in batches of 4 or more with only one writing prompt. Examples can be seen Here or Here. More about Hemingway can be found Here. I hope you enjoy. -K.
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She liked women, he was forgiving.
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Not her son, loved him anyway.
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He smiled at her. She didn't.
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"Sign here." She said. He couldn't.
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Caressed Gingerly, twenty on the dresser.
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"I love you." "Go Fuck yourself."
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He cried. She checked her phone.
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[Flash Fic] The Rooms of Ruin Where the Spiders Spun and the Control Panels Were Going Dark, One By One. (less than 100 words)

Nobody saw it coming. Not even the spiders who were now crawling about the control panels. The humming, murmuring, and buzzing finally started to relieve themselves like a television dying out, reaching it's zenith in the center of the screen, then dissolving. The only thing alive now apart from the insects and the moss, was the tiny intercom. Just before the final rusted cell battery gave way, the low mum of a message had repeated over and over into the stillness: "Mission Control, this is the International Space System. Please. Someone please pick up."

(94 words, about 15mins b.e / 27mins a.e.)

Retell the Most Recent Joke You've Heard as a Short Piece of Fiction (for my kid, who loves telling this joke)

Sarah had heard a knock on her door. This was her first night living in the city one thousand miles away from her hometown, and she was getting a little jumpy. The door kept knocking, it was 2pm so she thought it must be her new roommate She peeped thought the eyehole.
No one was there.
"Hello? Who's there?" Sarah called.
Nobody answered.
"Who's there?"
Again, silence.
Sarah opened the door a crack, then a crack more.
in the middle of the hallway, she found a banana.
She peek out, turned her head left, then right. There was nobody in the hall. "This mush be some type of hazing trick." She thought to herself. Sarah grabbed the banana off the hallway floor and went inside, locking the door behind her.

2 hours later, as she was unpacking her kitchen and getting ready to order dinner, she heard another knock on her door. "COMING!" She yelled as she strode toward the door, her cat following in her wake.
The knocks sounded closer together.
"WHO'S THERE? ASHLEY? IS THAT YOU?' Sarah called while getting into tiptoe position in an attempt to peep through the eyehole once more.
There was nobody there.
Sarah opened the door, and - sitting on her welcome mat- was another banana.
"OKAY GUYS, I GET IT. VERY FUNNY!!!" she yelled while entering the dead silent hallway. She opened her ears and listened hard for any signs of life. All she got was silence in return.
She turned to her cat: "It's really quiet for a Saturday afternoon." while picking up the banana. Sarah walked inside, locking the door behind her.

Write a Love Letter to Someone You Dislike

Dearest talkative, biggoted, agressive, internet blind date I had 4 years ago.

You sir, were something else.

My Valentine's date with you was more than wonderful. I throughly enjoyed you blaring your horn at me while I was still inside my apartment. It's nice to know when a guy can announce himself in a professional manner. Also you are SO considerate by parking right up to the massive snowbank and making me trundle over it in high heels so I could get into your potent, sour milk aromatic car. I can tell that you good sir, like your women with frostbite.
It was refreshing to sit in your car after you screamed at the hostess in the local Olive Garden about having to wait 45 minutes for a table because it was Valentine's Day and you didn't think it was right to call for reservations on the busiest holiday restaurants will ever see. And punching a hole in the wall before you were escorted out? Such class!
After scoffing at my idea to go see a movie, you insisted that I pay for both our tickets since, obviously, it was my idea and hey, you're the one who asked ME on a date. So why not? I also enjoyed how huffy you got when I picked out the movie after you told me explicitly that you didn't care anymore. SWOON!

But my absolute favorite thing about you? The fact that you had incessantly talk throughout the entire movie. Talking endlessly about how smart you were because you're a biochemist and went to Dartmouth, how you believe that people who are facing poverty should really just kill themselves for the sake of humanity. The real kicker was your viewpoints for eugenics for Afrocentric and Jewish persons. It's like you only had ears for yourself! I especially found you irresistible when you started belittling me when I used a "big word" like enigma. You even had the wherewithal to ask me what it meant, and when I responded with "it's a mystery" you immediately quipped back with furrowed brow "If you don't know what a word means, don't use it."
God, you were so right! I. Also. Enjoy this thing called a dictionary too!

I can honestly say the most fascinating part of our date together is when we went through the McDonald's drive thru and only ordered for yourself, letting me know that you did not like fat chicks. You did, however didn't believe me when I told you I was a vegetarian because, and I quote "You look good, but you're not THAT thin. And you're kidding yourself if you think you could lose more weight." All while stuffing your face with chemically processed "meat" and fat via a Big Mac and telling me I should eat "real food". It's nice to know how excited you are about my lifestyle choices, darling.
I was sad to see you pull up to my apartment, and let me hit your car door with the 5 foot snowbank that you believed I had to climb over. (Because you care so much about my fat, lying about being vegetarian ass to actually force me to lose weight.) You also added that it was way too icy to help me walk to my door and that I could take care of myself. You were absolutely right about that too! You are so smart and chivalrous! And when I decided not to kiss you (and believe me, that was the easiest hardest choice I had to make the entire night.) You were incredibly passionate and tactful by calling me a "hippie lesbian" then driving off into the night.
I was also wrong by pelting your car's interior and you with ice slushballs while you were peeling out. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I wanted to apologize for my behavior that evening, You were right about everything. I have since changed my ways and took your advice and decided to go full lesbian. Thank you for showing the err of my ways. I hope you decide to chop your dick off (since it's the only way you can be a man) and decide to go forth with your stance on eugenics.

Love,
Kelso.

(PS - Brad, if you're reading this. You are an inconsiderate ass-hat and this is what you did wrong.)