Write a Love Letter to Someone You Dislike

Dearest talkative, biggoted, agressive, internet blind date I had 4 years ago.

You sir, were something else.

My Valentine's date with you was more than wonderful. I throughly enjoyed you blaring your horn at me while I was still inside my apartment. It's nice to know when a guy can announce himself in a professional manner. Also you are SO considerate by parking right up to the massive snowbank and making me trundle over it in high heels so I could get into your potent, sour milk aromatic car. I can tell that you good sir, like your women with frostbite.
It was refreshing to sit in your car after you screamed at the hostess in the local Olive Garden about having to wait 45 minutes for a table because it was Valentine's Day and you didn't think it was right to call for reservations on the busiest holiday restaurants will ever see. And punching a hole in the wall before you were escorted out? Such class!
After scoffing at my idea to go see a movie, you insisted that I pay for both our tickets since, obviously, it was my idea and hey, you're the one who asked ME on a date. So why not? I also enjoyed how huffy you got when I picked out the movie after you told me explicitly that you didn't care anymore. SWOON!

But my absolute favorite thing about you? The fact that you had incessantly talk throughout the entire movie. Talking endlessly about how smart you were because you're a biochemist and went to Dartmouth, how you believe that people who are facing poverty should really just kill themselves for the sake of humanity. The real kicker was your viewpoints for eugenics for Afrocentric and Jewish persons. It's like you only had ears for yourself! I especially found you irresistible when you started belittling me when I used a "big word" like enigma. You even had the wherewithal to ask me what it meant, and when I responded with "it's a mystery" you immediately quipped back with furrowed brow "If you don't know what a word means, don't use it."
God, you were so right! I. Also. Enjoy this thing called a dictionary too!

I can honestly say the most fascinating part of our date together is when we went through the McDonald's drive thru and only ordered for yourself, letting me know that you did not like fat chicks. You did, however didn't believe me when I told you I was a vegetarian because, and I quote "You look good, but you're not THAT thin. And you're kidding yourself if you think you could lose more weight." All while stuffing your face with chemically processed "meat" and fat via a Big Mac and telling me I should eat "real food". It's nice to know how excited you are about my lifestyle choices, darling.
I was sad to see you pull up to my apartment, and let me hit your car door with the 5 foot snowbank that you believed I had to climb over. (Because you care so much about my fat, lying about being vegetarian ass to actually force me to lose weight.) You also added that it was way too icy to help me walk to my door and that I could take care of myself. You were absolutely right about that too! You are so smart and chivalrous! And when I decided not to kiss you (and believe me, that was the easiest hardest choice I had to make the entire night.) You were incredibly passionate and tactful by calling me a "hippie lesbian" then driving off into the night.
I was also wrong by pelting your car's interior and you with ice slushballs while you were peeling out. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I wanted to apologize for my behavior that evening, You were right about everything. I have since changed my ways and took your advice and decided to go full lesbian. Thank you for showing the err of my ways. I hope you decide to chop your dick off (since it's the only way you can be a man) and decide to go forth with your stance on eugenics.

Love,
Kelso.

(PS - Brad, if you're reading this. You are an inconsiderate ass-hat and this is what you did wrong.)

Write a Story that Ends With the Line "And This is the Room Where it Happened,"

She was never going to give it back. It was gone forever. Sarah deserved it however, ever since she picked that fight with her last week about who was going to go as Ariel and who was going to go as Sleeping Beauty. They both wanted to be Sleeping Beauty but there was only one costume in the entire in the tri-town area (or it was so assumed, since their mother didn't really bother with urgent matters such as Halloween costumes).

As far as she was concerned, she should have gone as Sleeping Beauty, since she was younger than Sarah by a whole 14 minutes, AND she still had her white-blonde hair. Unlike Sarah, whose hair looked as if she ran a shit-smeared comb through it. She remembered the fight that broke out in Marshalls, how her mother grounded her for scratching Sarah's face. But, of course, Sarah didn't get grounded, even though she TOTALLY yanked MY hair. She was always the favorite, of course, always striving for mommy's love. But nothing can be perfect forever, oh no. Even if we did make up in time for us to go to the Halloween dance, it was only a clever ruse in order to get un-grounded.

 This was payback time.

I attempted to flush the stuff, but unfortunately, when you're trying to rid the place of biological evidence, the best way to go about it (or so I've read) is to burn it.
Little did my true-crime novellas failed to mention, is how horrible the smell is.
Needless to say, I set off the smoke alarm. Waking my mother from her Valium-induced slumber, her blood curdling scream woke up the entire neighborhood....

Toto. If We're Not in Kansas Anymore, Where Are we?

The land was flat.
It's makeup was - mostly - corn based.
Basically, You could see Topeka from where we were standing. It was just impossibly far.

The tornado displaced us next to a Runza. We should have been excited except we already had one in Kansas. Regardless, the dog needed to eat something.
As we sashayed ourselves into the restaurant, we were quickly displaced again by a rumbling and roaring of - not a lion- but a swath of drunk frat good ol' boys intensely focused on the Football game displayed on beat up old Toshibas above the takeout menus. Toto became confused with all the commotion and decided to bark along with the rest of these pesky teenagers.

As the time approached to order my lunch, a weird noise came across my ears.
Silence.
Toto wasn't barking anymore.
"Hey, Dorothy! Go back to Iowa!!!"
Apparently none of these Cornheads were Film Majors.
But they did have Toto spray painted Red and White. 

I waltzed over to one of the Herbie Husker motherfuckers and made a swift sidekick straight to the goods. Causing a gold rush of drunk kids to rage on the Runza shop.
I gracefully grabbed the confused Toto and got the hell outta dodge. While I was grabbing the next tornado vortex outta there - not caring where it dropped me off next - I vowed that even if I were deposited into the bowels of Hell, it would sure be better than Lincoln, Nebraska.

You Know When it Comes to a Decision Between the Job that Pays Well and the Job that's Fun? He Made a Colossal Mistake of Picking The Fun Job...

We all thought Nick would get some exceptional poon points with the cute veterinary technician, but working as a trainer at the New England Aquarium had it's major drawbacks.

At first, the director was impressed with the supposed extensive marine biology degree he received at the prestigious :"U.R. Bullshittingme Academy" that he gave Nick the precarious and important task of cleaning the penguin shit off the rocks in the famous penguin tank. After Nick was done, he tried to release them back into the other half of the habitat while explaining to the cute Vet Tech how much he could bench press. This is when his mouth got the best of his brain and decided to have the penguins swim loose with the rest of the fish. What Nick had failed to note, however, was the amount of exotic fish 15 penguins can consume within a 20 minute span.
After this faux pas, the aquarium director decided he was better off assisting in training the manatees in the Water Mammal Exhibit. However, after Nick taught a class of 3rd graders a colorful mix of swear words when a giant manatee came to rest on his foot, which in turn caused him to lose his balance and tumble head first into the pool; making him part of the show. They decided it was best to let him go home for personal leave that day.

Several complaints to the Aquarium Board Members, the director decided to give him one more chance at a job he knew Nick would be able to do: Train turtles. When three days went by without a complaint, both the board and the director thought they found a good match. Until tragedy struck.
The Aquarium's main attraction; a 105 year old great snapback turtle named "Big Bertha" was found terrorizing the streets in the Historic North End before escaping to Long Wharf Avenue and into the North Atlantic Ocean. They decided it was best to let him go. His last words were allegedly: "Fuck pruny hands, I'm out!"

Write a Bathroom Wall Limerick

I once took a shit in this stall

so thick and firm it stood tall.

It balanced on end,
that shit didn't bend,
But fell over and scraped my left ball.
_______________________________________

Here I sit broken hearted.
Came to shit but only farted.
Later on I took my chance,
Tried to fart but only shit my pants,
And now I learned the true meaning of sharted.
________________________________________

There once was a hooker from Devonshire

She said her name was Desire
So I took a chance,
and asked her to "dance"
Now my penis feels like it's on fire!
_______________________________________

Ten Bad Bar PIck Up Lines.

1. "If you were a library book, I'd be checking you out."
2. "You made my floppy disk into a hard drive"
3. "Damn girl, if you was x squared, I'd be x cubed over 3 plus a constant. So I could be the area under your curves."
4. "Damn girl, you shit with that ass?"
5. "There's only going to be 7 planets after I destroy Urnaus."
6. "You remind me of my pinky toe, small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on my coffee table later."
7. "Are you from Iraq? Cause I wanna see you Bagadad ass up."
8. "Wanna go half on a baby?"
9. "Ay Gurl! What cho butt smell like?"
10. "You'll do"