Write a Love Letter to Someone You Dislike

Dearest talkative, biggoted, agressive, internet blind date I had 4 years ago.

You sir, were something else.

My Valentine's date with you was more than wonderful. I throughly enjoyed you blaring your horn at me while I was still inside my apartment. It's nice to know when a guy can announce himself in a professional manner. Also you are SO considerate by parking right up to the massive snowbank and making me trundle over it in high heels so I could get into your potent, sour milk aromatic car. I can tell that you good sir, like your women with frostbite.
It was refreshing to sit in your car after you screamed at the hostess in the local Olive Garden about having to wait 45 minutes for a table because it was Valentine's Day and you didn't think it was right to call for reservations on the busiest holiday restaurants will ever see. And punching a hole in the wall before you were escorted out? Such class!
After scoffing at my idea to go see a movie, you insisted that I pay for both our tickets since, obviously, it was my idea and hey, you're the one who asked ME on a date. So why not? I also enjoyed how huffy you got when I picked out the movie after you told me explicitly that you didn't care anymore. SWOON!

But my absolute favorite thing about you? The fact that you had incessantly talk throughout the entire movie. Talking endlessly about how smart you were because you're a biochemist and went to Dartmouth, how you believe that people who are facing poverty should really just kill themselves for the sake of humanity. The real kicker was your viewpoints for eugenics for Afrocentric and Jewish persons. It's like you only had ears for yourself! I especially found you irresistible when you started belittling me when I used a "big word" like enigma. You even had the wherewithal to ask me what it meant, and when I responded with "it's a mystery" you immediately quipped back with furrowed brow "If you don't know what a word means, don't use it."
God, you were so right! I. Also. Enjoy this thing called a dictionary too!

I can honestly say the most fascinating part of our date together is when we went through the McDonald's drive thru and only ordered for yourself, letting me know that you did not like fat chicks. You did, however didn't believe me when I told you I was a vegetarian because, and I quote "You look good, but you're not THAT thin. And you're kidding yourself if you think you could lose more weight." All while stuffing your face with chemically processed "meat" and fat via a Big Mac and telling me I should eat "real food". It's nice to know how excited you are about my lifestyle choices, darling.
I was sad to see you pull up to my apartment, and let me hit your car door with the 5 foot snowbank that you believed I had to climb over. (Because you care so much about my fat, lying about being vegetarian ass to actually force me to lose weight.) You also added that it was way too icy to help me walk to my door and that I could take care of myself. You were absolutely right about that too! You are so smart and chivalrous! And when I decided not to kiss you (and believe me, that was the easiest hardest choice I had to make the entire night.) You were incredibly passionate and tactful by calling me a "hippie lesbian" then driving off into the night.
I was also wrong by pelting your car's interior and you with ice slushballs while you were peeling out. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I wanted to apologize for my behavior that evening, You were right about everything. I have since changed my ways and took your advice and decided to go full lesbian. Thank you for showing the err of my ways. I hope you decide to chop your dick off (since it's the only way you can be a man) and decide to go forth with your stance on eugenics.

Love,
Kelso.

(PS - Brad, if you're reading this. You are an inconsiderate ass-hat and this is what you did wrong.)

What Is The Most Recent Incident In Your Life That Made You Laugh?

Anything my kid says.

The amazing thing about living with a 5 year old child you look after and help raise is that they say the most wonderful, crazy, and deep things you will ever hear. Stuff is writers gold.

Just recently, he found me looking up Vegan recipes and websites, which eventually led to a discussion as to why I (almost) never eat meat at home, even if I cook it for him and dad. I told him I don't believe in eating anything with a face, and I never really liked the taste/texture of meat to begin with (But he still needs to eat what is given him. Regardless if he likes it or not, because that's how you learn what you like and what you don't like.) This then leads to the discussion of what  - exactly - meat is made out of. I told him hot dogs are made out of pigs, hamburgers out of cows, chicken made out of chicken etc. He then sat down for a while and - after 10 minutes of concentrated silence - decided he didn't want to eat meat anymore.

I'm all OH FUCK YES! This is a win for me!!! Suck it S! Muhahahaha! tofu babies for lyfe! I am super excited, but then S retaliates with "no more hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken burritos" and, to both S and I's complete surprise, Boyo is saying "OK" or "I know Daddy" to everything he is listing off.
Then, as things are starting to look up for ol' Kelso, Boyo drops a bombshell:

"Except Ham. Because I love ham."
"And chicken nuggets from McDonalds, but ONLY McDonalds! I don't like Burger King chicken nuggets."

Sweetheart, you know ham is made out of pig, right?
"Yeah? So? They eat grass! I'd still be a Vegan! Problem solved."
I just got kid logic'd.

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything, I had to get up and leave the room. He follows me, then goes "DON'T CRY KELSO! I STILL LOVE PIGGIES! I JUST...... LOVE..... HAMMMM!!"

Write About What Your Perfect Day Off Would be Like.

Firstly. I get to wake up at 9am. A luxury I am barely able to afford most days.
No kids, no significant others, no cats to tend to. Just alone.
But happily alone. Wrapped up in my blanket cocoon in my nice warm bed on a winter day.

I would then lie in bed until 10 or 10.30am, whichever felt better. I would most likely be thinking about whatever pops into my brain, I tend to do most of my daydreaming on the days I don't have to get up as early, where I can lie down and keep to my thoughts. It's amazing, and welcoming. I recommend it to anyone who has the time. Then I would get up and take a shower, get dressed, but nothing is uncomfortable, because I have the heat up to 70 degrees and all of my clothes are nice and warm and fashionable ane make me look like I had lost 30 pounds but make of sweatpant materials so I can feel as fat as I want to but look sooo fly.

I would go downstairs, make the best Darjeeling chai spice tea I will ever make, grab a few Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte novels (Because I think they would be good for this winter weather.) and walk to a bookstore/cafe where everyone is quiet and keeps mostly to themselves and nobody bothers you except maybe once or twice to refill your coffee or tea and everyone is considerate and there would be no technology allowed. Just comfy chairs next to a fireplace with large windows overlooking the silent little snowy town I live in.

I would read all day. Without being bothered by chores, kids, significant other, money, worries, and life in general. I would be at peace and super zen. My mind quiet and still, Imagining myself as the strong female characters in every book I am reading. The hours would melt past me but it would only truly be 1pm by the time I was done with all my books and ready to pack up and leave for a stroll. At this point, a cute, tall, young, skinny man with glasses would muss up the courage and ask me to accompany him on a walk through the fields or the woods in the snow. I would say yes and would get to know this cute man and we would discuss ourselves and our dreams and goals and books and Science and Math and everything passionate. We will plan to travel together to Tibet but never exchange numbers because we are both modest and polite people who have lives to get back to. I would not be worried of his motives or if he was going to hurt me because this day is perfect and people are trustworthy and kind. He would not worry about me finding any type of sexual attraction or feeling or deep romantic love towards him either. We just simply wanted to enjoy the companies of another intelligent, beautiful person for a while.

At this point, It would be around 6pm. I would walk back to my home, and prepare myself a dinner of Moe's Italian Sandwiches, Norwegian lobster, and Bova's heavenly fresh baked bread. After consuming the fancy dinner, I would retire to my bedroom with a bottle of wine and write my best and greatest novel for 2 hours. Because, everyone should write their greatest novel for a minimum of 2 hours a day, preferably at night but not so late as before bedtime, because then you would never get it done. I would then go meditate for an hour and afterwards go listen to Radiolab and This American Life before drinking more wine and smoking a bowl and counting the stars on my porch while eating a twinkie. I would retire around 10pm but continue to read some more before I finally doze off to a sound slumber. Not worrying about anything.

That Time You Were Most Terrified - Your Knees Were Knocking, Your Heart Was Racing, You Could Barely Stand to be in Your Own Skin [TW]

(I must inform you before you delve into this. Trigger Warning. - ed.)

This story begins with me and a few college freshman friends in a tiny backwoods town in Chichester. I was in art school and frequently hung out with two wonderfully gay men, their lesbian cohort, her brother, and my best friend at the time. They were all very into Wiccan and Kempo Karate and liked to party out in the woods on their property called the "love shack" a rundown old concrete room with a beat up mattress and chair with one light giving off any sort of ambiance. This was home for many a weekend I sometimes cannot remember. One night, they decided to walk the 2 miles in the dark during the late summer months to the local baseball field to get high and look at the stars. I was completely and uderly drunk at this point and decided - after everyone got done smoking pot, and aggressively making out/having alleged sex, and testing out their mad karate skills- to try and walk myself the 2 miles back to "love shack" by myself. Bad Idea.
This was a small town full of rednecks and wild animals, not to mention police who would most likely not take kindly to a drunk and nearly naked (as I had my bathing suit top on with a pair of cutoff jeans) 17 year old teenager stumbling around without any ID. But I decided to hoof it without the aide of my friends. So there I stumbled, completely alone, in glorified underwear, an open container, and no sense of direction.

The first thing I remember is it getting really cold really quickly. I had left my shirt back at the sack and was determined to get back and wrap myself in it and pass out in my car. The second thing I remember is the car's headlights suddenly appearing behind me.....

Ten Bad Bar PIck Up Lines.

1. "If you were a library book, I'd be checking you out."
2. "You made my floppy disk into a hard drive"
3. "Damn girl, if you was x squared, I'd be x cubed over 3 plus a constant. So I could be the area under your curves."
4. "Damn girl, you shit with that ass?"
5. "There's only going to be 7 planets after I destroy Urnaus."
6. "You remind me of my pinky toe, small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on my coffee table later."
7. "Are you from Iraq? Cause I wanna see you Bagadad ass up."
8. "Wanna go half on a baby?"
9. "Ay Gurl! What cho butt smell like?"
10. "You'll do"

[WP][Personal] What You Used To Do That You Don't Do Anymore.

I used to skateboard, or attempt to skateboard when I was a kid.
I was never really fantastic at it, I was never good enough to do tricks because I would always wipe out, get frustrated easily, and give up. Some days I wish I hadn't. I would cruise around the cul-de-sac we lived in and attempted to land simple olies. To this day I never gracefully stuck one. The only 2 tricks I can do is a front kick flip and a manual.

My kiddo thinks its the raddest thing ever. I purchased him a skateboard for Christmas this year, and I was going to buy myself one so he and I could practice during the summers together. But - of course -life got in the way and bills needed to be paid and food purchased and doctors visited... I'm unable to save up to get a nice board of my own.

I want to though, I crave the days of early springtime and mid summer where he and I are out late at the skate park across from our house, watching the teenagers practicing their flips on the half pipe and failing spectacularly. Then, as I watch my own kid attempt to do the exact same tricks as I tried to do 15 years prior, I will laugh at myself in between gasps of parent panic at how beautifully ironic life can actually be.

[WP][Personal] If You Got One Whole Day Where You Were Both Unable to Feel Any Pain and Totally Indestructible, What Would You Do?

I would go and live my secret dream of being a stunt double, of course.

Or I would go and mediate then practice self-immolation. I want to know what it feels like to be warm all over my body. How it would feel to melt.
Then, I would try an conquer my fear of flying with jumping out of a plane without a parachute multiple times.
I would try and drink myself into a stupor and write and write and write and do copious amounts of drugs that I've always wanted to do without fear of dying or puking or getting really ill.
I would get into bare knuckle fights with Romanian gypsies and win lots of money. Which I would invest back into their community, because I'm a nice lady.
I would play wrestle with the dogs and let my limbs be their chew toys.
I just realized I could eat whatever I damn well please! Without worrying about getting violently ill or needing to be near a restroom.
I would skateboard a half pipe on top of the Sears tower.
I would instigate an asshole cop just so they can beat on me while someone puts it up on youtube and hopefully get fired.
BASE jumping always sounded friggin awesome.
And you don't even want to know about the intimate things...
If this were for 6 months or so, I would hike, everywhere!
Mountains, deserts, jungles....everywhere!

For me, if I were able to forgo pain and misery, it would also take away my fear, and thus my anxiety for doing pretty much every sorta dangerous thing I've wanted to do.

To be honest though, I'd most likely sit and light my fingers on fire while bored at the office. Then maybe try and get hit by a bus then go home and hang out with my family.