Dearest talkative, biggoted, agressive, internet blind date I had 4 years ago.
You sir, were something else.
My Valentine's date with you was more than wonderful. I throughly enjoyed you blaring your horn at me while I was still inside my apartment. It's nice to know when a guy can announce himself in a professional manner. Also you are SO considerate by parking right up to the massive snowbank and making me trundle over it in high heels so I could get into your potent, sour milk aromatic car. I can tell that you good sir, like your women with frostbite.
It was refreshing to sit in your car after you screamed at the hostess in the local Olive Garden about having to wait 45 minutes for a table because it was Valentine's Day and you didn't think it was right to call for reservations on the busiest holiday restaurants will ever see. And punching a hole in the wall before you were escorted out? Such class!
After scoffing at my idea to go see a movie, you insisted that I pay for both our tickets since, obviously, it was my idea and hey, you're the one who asked ME on a date. So why not? I also enjoyed how huffy you got when I picked out the movie after you told me explicitly that you didn't care anymore. SWOON!
But my absolute favorite thing about you? The fact that you had incessantly talk throughout the entire movie. Talking endlessly about how smart you were because you're a biochemist and went to Dartmouth, how you believe that people who are facing poverty should really just kill themselves for the sake of humanity. The real kicker was your viewpoints for eugenics for Afrocentric and Jewish persons. It's like you only had ears for yourself! I especially found you irresistible when you started belittling me when I used a "big word" like enigma. You even had the wherewithal to ask me what it meant, and when I responded with "it's a mystery" you immediately quipped back with furrowed brow "If you don't know what a word means, don't use it."
God, you were so right! I. Also. Enjoy this thing called a dictionary too!
I can honestly say the most fascinating part of our date together is when we went through the McDonald's drive thru and only ordered for yourself, letting me know that you did not like fat chicks. You did, however didn't believe me when I told you I was a vegetarian because, and I quote "You look good, but you're not THAT thin. And you're kidding yourself if you think you could lose more weight." All while stuffing your face with chemically processed "meat" and fat via a Big Mac and telling me I should eat "real food". It's nice to know how excited you are about my lifestyle choices, darling.
I was sad to see you pull up to my apartment, and let me hit your car door with the 5 foot snowbank that you believed I had to climb over. (Because you care so much about my fat, lying about being vegetarian ass to actually force me to lose weight.) You also added that it was way too icy to help me walk to my door and that I could take care of myself. You were absolutely right about that too! You are so smart and chivalrous! And when I decided not to kiss you (and believe me, that was the easiest hardest choice I had to make the entire night.) You were incredibly passionate and tactful by calling me a "hippie lesbian" then driving off into the night.
I was also wrong by pelting your car's interior and you with ice slushballs while you were peeling out. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I wanted to apologize for my behavior that evening, You were right about everything. I have since changed my ways and took your advice and decided to go full lesbian. Thank you for showing the err of my ways. I hope you decide to chop your dick off (since it's the only way you can be a man) and decide to go forth with your stance on eugenics.
Love,
Kelso.
(PS - Brad, if you're reading this. You are an inconsiderate ass-hat and this is what you did wrong.)
No comments:
Post a Comment